He must increase, but I must decrease.
John 3:30
Hello. My name is Daniel and I’m 22 this year.
I was first exposed to Christianity when I was in sec2. Our neighbour
had brought my family to church. There was an altar call and somehow, we ended
up saying the sinners’ prayer.On the following week, we received this letter
in the mail congratulating us on being “Christians”.
Back then I didn’t know what being a follower of Jesus meant so I
happily went around in my class telling everyone that I became a Christian. My
Christian friend heard this and invited me to a picnic organised by SYFC. I
gradually became more and more involved with SYFC in their weekly meetings
outside school and their evangelistic efforts – sharing the gospel to friends,
doing street evangelism, meeting students etc. All these I did, even up till
today. But if I were to be completely honest, it was the friendships and fun
games that kept me involved, not the desire to spread the “Good News” of Jesus
Christ. Truth was, I didn’t see how good this Good News it was.
Well, something happened last year that made me suspect that I was only
a Christian by external appearance. You see, ever since I was in sec3 I was
addicted to pornography and masturbation. Maybe “addicted” is not the most
accurate word to use, since, I wasn’t really aware of it. It was just something
I did for fun, something to take away the stresses and boredoms of life and
something I just couldn’t do without. As I served in SYFC and got more involved
in church, I began to hear more and more of how these behaviours are really
sinful acts. Pornography and masturbation are clearly wrong in God’s eyes. But
since nobody asked, I just kept my secret and continued to indulge in it. There
were many days where I would be hard at work serving God in the day, only to
return home to do the very thing that I preached against at night.
A series of encounters last year made me rethink my conviction as a
Christian. A friend asked me “For what did Jesus die for you?”. Any Christian
who attends church will tell you that “Jesus died for my sin”. But this friend intended for us to reflect on the specific
sin we did to cause God Himself to shed blood on the cross.
Before I could gather my thoughts, he shared with me his own response
to the question: “For me, it’s my porn addiction.” I was shocked. But yeah,
that was one of the important moments that led me to my next critical decision.
I decided to seek help and talk to my DGLs about my addiction. It wasn’t easy,
but I tell you now, when I finally confessed to them, I was so relieved. No
more hiding. No more living a double life and being the biggest hypocrite.
Since then I have been on a long journey to rid myself of this terribly
sinful habit. I kept myself accountable to them. Tried ways and means to cut
off possible sources of temptation like social media. But I would always end up
going back into it after a short period of abstinence. It was only the start of
this year, when, I felt this unnatural fear after another relapse of this
addiction. I felt as if I were on the verge of being cut off from God. Almost
immediately after that, God showed me how much He loved me, an unlovable, ever
failing sinner. John 15:3 reads: "Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends." My Saviour has already shown His love for me in dying for me. Yet He is still so generous, that as I fail continually, He blesses me with such a loving and honest community to pray alongside me as I seek God over my failures. That fear, though less
overwhelming nowadays, is still in me today. And that vision of love, I will
never forget. I’m not proud to say this, but up till today, this is the longest
period I have gone without a relapse. Only made possible by His power and His
grace.
Funny thing is, before this, I could tell you all the logical and
scientific arguments of why Jesus was real and Christianity was true. But I
couldn’t answer honestly, that simple question that any Christian could,
because I refused to acknowledge my sin! But now, I can confidently say that
Jesus died for my sin, for my addiction. I can confidently say that I believe
in Him as my LORD and Saviour. Because there’s literally nothing I can do on my
own that will redeem me from my sin, I depend on Him who loved the unlovable to
rescue me.
Because I’m thoroughly convicted that I’m a real sinner now, I believe
in Jesus and call myself a Christian and Jesus follower. It may be hard at
times, but I will gladly go to wherever my Lord calls me. All glory to Him and
Him alone. Today, my commitment to be baptised will be the mark of my heavenward
journey, to live my life solely for His wondrous purposes, because He is my God
who loves me. No turning back.
There’s so much more I want to share: the lessons that my God has
taught me through this journey, the people that He has brought to me and how He
has been shaping my life to equip me for His calling.
But I think I’ve said enough, if you’re interested, feel free to talk
to me and I’ll gladly talk more about how my Jesus is so amazing and so good.
