awe

I like still places. In the perfect world, I’d be chilling on a breakwater on the beach or on the canopy of the Amazon. Sometimes I picture myself lying on grass, staring up at a night sky dotted with stars. These are the moments when I’m left with the revelation that the world doesn’t revolve around me.

When you’re out sailing, there are times when you see nothing but the sea and sky.

Absolutely nothing but the seemingly infinite ocean.

In this gorgeous landscape, I am but a speck. It’s precious times like these that I appreciate the vastness of our world and the majesty of creation. All worries and insecurities are cast aside, the whole person is reveling in face of the overwhelming realization that the scene before you is magnificent, almost elemental.

That, my friends, is true beauty. Not a face caked with makeup, not desperately covering up flaws with Photoshop, not thigh gaps or eyebrows that are “on fleek”. Alas, we’re often so self-centred and self-serving that these indications become our only sense of beauty.

I ain’t ‘fraid to admit, I daydream of sitting on a bench by the lake with that special someone (who’s faceless, for now.) and talking the night away, all the while being silenced by the serenity.

For now, I look up into the sky every morning in awe.  Never has the phrase "breath-taking" ever been so real to me.

Hey, one can dream right?

confession

As the title may or may not suggest, I have a confession to make. Someone may or may not have died. Before going into that, let’s talk.

The last few posts have all revolving around the struggles that I’ve been facing. It’s hard for me to put into words these emotions that I myself can’t even make sense of; all I can say is that those feelings are as real as ever and that I’m just one of the many who are feeling lost now. I’m pretty sure most people fall prey to these emotions once in a while, having negative and destructive thoughts tempting your mind. The trigger for this slew of irrational, chaotic thoughts differ from person to person and for me, it was my overthinking.

I overthink a lot. And I mean a lot.

And as I over-analyse every detail and every incident at any particular point in my life, I begin to descend deeper and further into the dark recesses of my mind, places where no good thing can ever bear fruit. I end up choking (quite literally) in my own self-pity. There are times when I have these overthinking episodes in public; and when I manage to snap out of it, I let loose a grunt/whimper/spasm (I don’t even know what to call it HAHAAH). Fortunately enough for me, I can suppress it enough that it doesn’t draw weird stares from everyone around me…. I’m not even kidding, I know it sounds ridiculous, but yea. I’m weird.

Okay, enough of self-ridiculing nonsense. I have a confession to make. Don’t be alarmed. Remember how I said that I’d have to fight those bouts of feeling alone I had? I’m glad to share that I’m finally about to win! AHA, gotta beat that negativity to the ground yo. This is how I did it.

Galatians 2:20 says,

 I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.

This was Paul’s address to the Galatians. Recently, a guest at one of our life groups shed new light onto this verse for me. He said that us believers should consider ourselves (or our old selves at least) dead. Just like how Jesus died on the cross, we too are dead to this world and to sin. So when sinful desires stymie us, we have to remember that it’s not us who have these destructive thoughts. They are nothing but a dead man haunting. A dead man wishing that we would listen to his pleas once again.

There’s no secret or trick to beating “negativity” but I find that reminding myself of my death, and thus trusting my everything to the Greatest Authority, helps. 

Nah, it does so much more than help. This Good News comes with a divine reassurance that, everything, everything that befalls me, points to His Good Work on the cross and in my life.

That man's dead.

The dead have no influence in this world anymore.

Good riddance.

Mr. Lonely

I usually try to end posts on a positive note, because I know, however minute it might be, it’s gonna have some influence on whoever reads it. And I would never want any negative vibes to stem from whatever I create. On the other hand, sprucing up and embellishing my real experiences with half-truths just ain’t my thing too. This might be the one that messes up my balancing act so far.

Okay. I might be exaggerating.

Anyway. Here goes.

So lately, I’ve been feeling alone. Not lonely, but alone. Is there a difference? Despite all my attempts to relate and talk to friends, somehow, it’s as if my world is engulfed in my own solitude.

I have family, yet I’m alone.

I have friends, yet I’m alone.

I have God, yet I’m alone?

You have to realize that it’s not all the time that I feel this way. It’s just that there are these pangs of desolation I feel? And it’s at some of these times where I choke up, or my chest tightens. Then, it passes; and I realize how irrationally the human heart works.

I consider myself a ridiculously prideful person. Sometimes I’m so concerned about how people see me that I literally can’t function. Sharing my vulnerabilities with you is a big deal to me. And I guess that if you read this and know me, I trust you enough to let this side of me (which proud nemo considers ugly) be seen to you. Don’t misunderstand though, this ain’t a call for help; neither am I asking you to pity me or grant me some social leeway. This is just one of those rare moments when I’m being completely honest with you.

In the end, this is something personal that I struggle with, and I’ve been praying about it too. It’s gonna be one of my battles (I like that, sounds cool.) in this time ahead and I’d love it if you can keep me in your prayers too.

And as for you from the future (yeah, you.), don’t forget that this was once a fight you fought. As you remember the way you conquered it, be generous with your experience.

Lastly, please don’t overreact, for this was borne of an idle mind.