penning down my thoughts

The world teaches us that if there’s something the heart wants, to go all out to fight for it. But God has made everything beautiful in its time. Therein lies the struggle between the lust of the world and God-given patience.

The world nudges us in the moment, tempting us in confidence, into seemingly good decisions. But The Father isn’t tempted and doesn’t tempt. Our hearts are pulled apart as we wrestle with our innermost desires.

The world screams us to just do it. We have a choice though.

I marvel at the great impossibility – that such trivial creatures as us have the ultimate authority to decide where our paths eventually lead to. Therein lies yet another paradox huh? What is free will if it’s given by God?

Is there really a point to all this pondering? I would think not. But it’s what we overthinkers do.

yup.

struggle

Remember this moment. Remember your failure to keep up. Remember the feeling of conflict. Remember this awkward dilemma. Remember.

What’s the point in doing this? I always forget. My mind is just not in the zone man. It’s in a haze.
Why am I always forgetting? Forgetting my worth, my joy, my purpose. I live in a state of constant disappointment. No, not a state. A cycle of wilfully self-deceived ups and downs. Or is it? That’s the thing, I can’t decide. It’s quite funny actually. How I’m helplessly stuck in this “cycle”.

Is mental illness real?

Cos it’s my nature to just block it all out and stone. Mute all the responsibilities and expectations and
worries and delusions. But it’s absolute wrong. And I know that.

Thus I cry out to You. In so doing, praying that I put that sliver of trust in You. Even the slightest little bit is fine. As long as there’s a start.

Or am I deluded, maybe I already have that trust in Him.

Hmm. Maybe I’ll think about it tomorrow.

awe

I like still places. In the perfect world, I’d be chilling on a breakwater on the beach or on the canopy of the Amazon. Sometimes I picture myself lying on grass, staring up at a night sky dotted with stars. These are the moments when I’m left with the revelation that the world doesn’t revolve around me.

When you’re out sailing, there are times when you see nothing but the sea and sky.

Absolutely nothing but the seemingly infinite ocean.

In this gorgeous landscape, I am but a speck. It’s precious times like these that I appreciate the vastness of our world and the majesty of creation. All worries and insecurities are cast aside, the whole person is reveling in face of the overwhelming realization that the scene before you is magnificent, almost elemental.

That, my friends, is true beauty. Not a face caked with makeup, not desperately covering up flaws with Photoshop, not thigh gaps or eyebrows that are “on fleek”. Alas, we’re often so self-centred and self-serving that these indications become our only sense of beauty.

I ain’t ‘fraid to admit, I daydream of sitting on a bench by the lake with that special someone (who’s faceless, for now.) and talking the night away, all the while being silenced by the serenity.

For now, I look up into the sky every morning in awe.  Never has the phrase "breath-taking" ever been so real to me.

Hey, one can dream right?

confession

As the title may or may not suggest, I have a confession to make. Someone may or may not have died. Before going into that, let’s talk.

The last few posts have all revolving around the struggles that I’ve been facing. It’s hard for me to put into words these emotions that I myself can’t even make sense of; all I can say is that those feelings are as real as ever and that I’m just one of the many who are feeling lost now. I’m pretty sure most people fall prey to these emotions once in a while, having negative and destructive thoughts tempting your mind. The trigger for this slew of irrational, chaotic thoughts differ from person to person and for me, it was my overthinking.

I overthink a lot. And I mean a lot.

And as I over-analyse every detail and every incident at any particular point in my life, I begin to descend deeper and further into the dark recesses of my mind, places where no good thing can ever bear fruit. I end up choking (quite literally) in my own self-pity. There are times when I have these overthinking episodes in public; and when I manage to snap out of it, I let loose a grunt/whimper/spasm (I don’t even know what to call it HAHAAH). Fortunately enough for me, I can suppress it enough that it doesn’t draw weird stares from everyone around me…. I’m not even kidding, I know it sounds ridiculous, but yea. I’m weird.

Okay, enough of self-ridiculing nonsense. I have a confession to make. Don’t be alarmed. Remember how I said that I’d have to fight those bouts of feeling alone I had? I’m glad to share that I’m finally about to win! AHA, gotta beat that negativity to the ground yo. This is how I did it.

Galatians 2:20 says,

 I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.

This was Paul’s address to the Galatians. Recently, a guest at one of our life groups shed new light onto this verse for me. He said that us believers should consider ourselves (or our old selves at least) dead. Just like how Jesus died on the cross, we too are dead to this world and to sin. So when sinful desires stymie us, we have to remember that it’s not us who have these destructive thoughts. They are nothing but a dead man haunting. A dead man wishing that we would listen to his pleas once again.

There’s no secret or trick to beating “negativity” but I find that reminding myself of my death, and thus trusting my everything to the Greatest Authority, helps. 

Nah, it does so much more than help. This Good News comes with a divine reassurance that, everything, everything that befalls me, points to His Good Work on the cross and in my life.

That man's dead.

The dead have no influence in this world anymore.

Good riddance.

Mr. Lonely

I usually try to end posts on a positive note, because I know, however minute it might be, it’s gonna have some influence on whoever reads it. And I would never want any negative vibes to stem from whatever I create. On the other hand, sprucing up and embellishing my real experiences with half-truths just ain’t my thing too. This might be the one that messes up my balancing act so far.

Okay. I might be exaggerating.

Anyway. Here goes.

So lately, I’ve been feeling alone. Not lonely, but alone. Is there a difference? Despite all my attempts to relate and talk to friends, somehow, it’s as if my world is engulfed in my own solitude.

I have family, yet I’m alone.

I have friends, yet I’m alone.

I have God, yet I’m alone?

You have to realize that it’s not all the time that I feel this way. It’s just that there are these pangs of desolation I feel? And it’s at some of these times where I choke up, or my chest tightens. Then, it passes; and I realize how irrationally the human heart works.

I consider myself a ridiculously prideful person. Sometimes I’m so concerned about how people see me that I literally can’t function. Sharing my vulnerabilities with you is a big deal to me. And I guess that if you read this and know me, I trust you enough to let this side of me (which proud nemo considers ugly) be seen to you. Don’t misunderstand though, this ain’t a call for help; neither am I asking you to pity me or grant me some social leeway. This is just one of those rare moments when I’m being completely honest with you.

In the end, this is something personal that I struggle with, and I’ve been praying about it too. It’s gonna be one of my battles (I like that, sounds cool.) in this time ahead and I’d love it if you can keep me in your prayers too.

And as for you from the future (yeah, you.), don’t forget that this was once a fight you fought. As you remember the way you conquered it, be generous with your experience.

Lastly, please don’t overreact, for this was borne of an idle mind.

check yourself

This is probably the last time I’ll write about this issue. You know how they say “you never know how much something means to you till you lose it.”? Well, I’ve come to realise that you never know how much something affects you till it’s resolved either. If you haven’t caught the drift from the previous posts then please. Leave. You’re not welcome.

I kid. But yeah, in the past year, I’ve lost my sense of wonder with the world, that simple fairytale likeness in which I saw the world somehow faded into oblivion without me knowing. I laughed less, I prayed almost never; everything seemingly revolved around getting another glimpse of colour, so to speak. It is only now, when this matter’s been resolved, that it dawns on me how invested, how much of my mind it occupied. I know it’s cliché but it’s really as if this big (like, BIG big) rock has been lifted off my chest. I can, at last, breathe again.


Keeping in mind that this will only be seen by close friends and future nemo, this is a plea to check yourself. Has something been bothering you or occupying too much memory space on your mental hard drive? I’ve learnt that, like anything with a shelf life, our thoughts – pre-conceived judgements, innermost desires, even the most careful of considerations – when left alone, will eventually come to fester and rot. What we’re left with is a toxic desert of a mind. 

Maybe I’m exaggerating. You get the point. Check yourself.  

Purge those pointless ramblings. 

Or put in a blog. 

Gasp.

Now you know. 

Secrets are mean to be kept. (or I'll find you. and HUG you)

I’m out.

luminescence

It seems that I was terribly mistaken. Recent events have led to a paradigm shift in perspective for me. Do you get that? It’s like when some new information sheds light unto your current dilemma; and what seemed like an impasse before becomes nothing but a stumbling block to your renewed vigour… I feel as if Moses had parted the proverbial Red Sea in my quest for vibrancy in within this greyscale life.

For what is colour without light? One is a mere consequence while the other’s the ultimate source. And I, by a series of miraculous, God-inspired events, have seen the metaphorical “light”.

26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
-Matthew 6:26-27

God is the light in my life and it is He who’s the source of ultimate satisfaction. All earthly pleasures are naught but flawed fractels of a joy that can only be found in Him. This is something I have yet to internalise. Because the heart is deceitful, embracing this ultimate truth comes with the heart-wrenching pain at the loss of many “could-have-beens”. It is my prayer that He’ll continue to draw me closer to Him.

Despite this, I’m truly excited, as before, to see His revealed plans for me. My hope is that I will seek Him unceasingly through life’s worries.


God is sovereign. Never forget that, future daniel.

colour blind

My mind is a blank. There is nothing going through. Or rather, all information seems to be seeping through. There exists a void waiting to be filled with purpose again. Or is there? Most of the time, I have no clue. One thing is for sure.

It wasn’t always like this. There are times when certain stimuli - a familiar face, or a nostalgic song – evokes times reminiscent of the somewhat carefree joy of what seemed to be another life. Was it carefree really? Or is this just another attempt by this already vulnerable mind to hide the ugly? No idea. Nevertheless, these serendipitous moments are just about what lifts my spirits these days.

“At least I’ve seen the world in colour before…”, I convince myself. Amidst the mindless monochrome drone of menial tasks that occupy everyday life, the thought of the existence of proverbial “better days” bring a faint smile to my otherwise grim profile. True, at least I wasn’t born blind. But somehow this deceitful heart perpetually desires more, to satisfy the all-devouring void inside me.

I look to empty wells to quench my parched tongue; in a desperate attempt to claw my way out this wasteland of a mental landscape. Anything to numb the hunger, the lust for fulfilment. Games, approval from those around me, sleep, pandering to others – these are but a fraction of my spiral down into depravity. Then, wonder struck.

Vibrant hues of any colour imaginable flushed into view. First peripheral, then the entire scene before me exploded. It was as if Technicolour was first invented. Overjoyed. Relieved. Overwhelmed. Then, as quickly as it came, the colour all leached away. She left.

The next months were spent in a frantic effort to relive the colour. Meetups ended with me gasping for air as my chest tightened as the greyscale nightmare creeped back, bringing with it that ever-ravenous void.

Was I satisfied with the brief reprieve that she gave me? How could I not be? But I knew that the way things were going, it would be soon before my world would stay grey forever. The heart is capricious, waxing and waning but always desiring more.

I am at a loss.

only human

Today, on my way out of camp, I passed by 2 personnel from the French Navy. As I passed them, I smiled at them and one of them returned the gesture.  I don’t know why but it made me feel… good? Haha maybe it’s the gladness that comes when a stranger returns your positive gesture? It didn’t feel like any of the previous interactions I had with other foreign visitors. Despite it being a simple smile, it felt genuine.

It made me think of how wonderful it is that, a gesture as raw as a simple smile could ignore differences in language, culture and beliefs and invoke a sense of familiarity and comfort in 2 strangers (or at least in me). Fundamentally, above our careers, insecurities, above everything else, we’re defined by our common identity in humanity; and it’s in seemingly mundane humane gestures we recognise that we’re not that different after all.

Maybe it’ll do us good to keep this truth close to our hearts, before being so quick to mete out our judgements or pre-conceived notions toward the people around us. Or at least to show tolerance when faced with people you can never agree with? After all, when have we truly paused to appreciate our common humanity?

Here’s another Googled quote I found quite meaningful:
“Every one of us is, in the cosmic perspective, precious. If a human disagrees with you, let him live. In a hundred billion galaxies, you will not find another.” 
― Carl Sagan, Cosmos


Sincerely,
A fellow human

Know Yourself

“The world says: "You have needs -- satisfy them. You have as much right as the rich and the mighty. Don't hesitate to satisfy your needs; indeed, expand your needs and demand more." This is the worldly doctrine of today. And they believe that this is freedom. The result for the rich is isolation and suicide, for the poor, envy and murder.” 

― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov

I’m not gonna lie, I found this quote online. In fact, I googled “selfishness” in the hopes of getting a quote about it. No substance? I think not. More like, resourceful. But that’s not the point. I found the content of the quote very real. Just think about it. Why do we study? To get a degree? Work and get a stable income? At least that’s what a significant portion of my generation believes. Ultimately the world and our choices centre around our individual self-interests. There is an atmosphere of self-centredness amidst the occasional self-gratification we obtain from our perceived altruism. Truth is, it’s in our nature. Though we can’t deny that society and the world has a part in shaping our passion for all things “us”, all of us are selfish fundamentally.  Makes you think about all the good virtues we learnt like ”人之初性本善” huh?


This is not really a call to action, to empower you to make someone else’s day brighter just for the sake of proving this keyboard warrior wrong. Neither am I a cynic proclaiming that all altruistic work is pointless and to stop doing good altogether. I don’t really know what this is. I guess it’s important for us to recognise this part of identity as human? To remember that no matter how much good you think you do, you’re no better than your neighbour. Once we acknowledge this fact, then will we be able to drop the pretense and pride that comes with our altruism. Even then, we can't selfish natures in check.

For tomorrow will worry about itself

Recently an opportunity opened up for me, an interview for a potential teaching scholarship. As with most scholarships, this one has a bond for about 4 years? And I’ve been thinking more about it – whether I really want this for myself, whether it truly is my passion to teach. Honestly if you ask me I’m kinda caught between a few choices right now and I’m pretty sure, like many of my peers, I’m terribly uncertain about which one is the “right” path for me.

You know how they say “follow your dreams”? Well what if you’re clueless about your own passions? Or what if the epiphany you’ve been expecting is long overdue? I think it’s much more complicated than that. If one starts thinking of their future where I am right now, the mind could conjure up so many considerations – job prospects, comfort of living in the future, will my parents be proud of me? Maybe that’s why I avoid thinking too much about it, too much comes up. See, it’s not as simple as “following your dreams” anymore. Eventually the path one takes up could be for a variety of reasons, the ability to generate stable income being one of the more popular ones.

The question then, to ask is will I enjoy what I’m setting myself up for? Because I’m probably gonna be doing that for the most part of my life. You know what I think? I believe we’ll never be able to know for certain. To quote a certain someone (played by Tom Hanks): ”Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.” Truth is, life is that unpredictable.

And I guess for me, the only real thing that relieves my anxious heart is the fact that somewhere deep down (in the recesses of this flawed heart :o ) I know that wherever God places me, it’s truly for a greater purpose. Though I’ve tended to neglect this great truth many a times, every time I consider it, somewhere, some burden within me is relieved. And no, I’m most definitely not exaggerating haha, though some of my friends staunchly abhor anything that gives off a whiff of “religion”.

Point is, there’s always gonna be surprises in life (that’s what makes it exciting right? :P). How you deal with them is thus telling of your personality and fundamental belief. I’ve seen people who spent much of their time awake worrying about what the future holds, even being engaged in mind-numbing working in an effort to get a reprieve from their worries. What for? Embrace the challenges that life throws, for that’s what makes us uniquely human, our adaptability. For believers, trust in the Lord’s work in your lives and pray that we’ll all be sensitive to His reality, wherever we are.

Hey, since you’ve already read this much, do me a favour and read this(:

Matthew 6: 25-34

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Family

Since this blog is really more for me than anyone else, I figured the future me needs to remember this.

Yesterday I went through some old photos and videos of a trip to Taiwan my family took a few years back. It was really the only “big trip” my family’s been on so far, the rest being to various parts of Malaysia. These photos were mostly taken by my father, who I guess, at that point was quite excited about his new iPhone. Long story short, I found that I could see past whatever beef I had against him to realise that he loves his family and wants nothing but the best for us. However bad this sounds, I guess I hadn’t really internalised that before. I won’t deny that seeing all the genuine smiles on his face kinda moved me (*gasp* I have feelings). Despite all the complaints and nonsense he had to deal with from me and my brother, he still tried hard to smile and love us. They say a mother's love is the greatest of all, but a father's love is a pretty close second.

So, dear future me, please don’t forget to love your family, whoever they become.

3 years

Wow it’s amazing how one can just forget about this blog as easily as a snap of a finger. Almost as amazing as how the very same person can chance upon this blog whilst reminiscing about the past. Who even blogs nowadays? I guess it’s time to re-christen this oddly sparse time capsule of a blog huh? There’s no one word to describe the past 3 years of my teenage life. It was exciting, emotional, fulfilling; yet there were times of despair and regret (SO MUCH REGERET) too. Then again, how much despair can one feel when he’s surrounded by the countless blessings in his life?

Cliché: Whatever’s gone is gone and whatever’s done is done, gotta look forward and move on.

Honestly, right now, the past 3 years don’t matter as much, as cliché as it sounds, what matters is now. Now, I find myself thinking about what I want to do after I ORD, what I’m going to study, which path I’ll take. I find myself asking the people around me for advice, looking up different courses online, heck, even considering driving lessons. I guess this is what adult life is like huh? Having the freedom to make your own decisions brings with it the uncertainty of one’s ability to live with the consequences.  I recently read some article about how it’s alright to be unsure of what the future holds for me and to be confused by the multitude of choices I can make right now. I think I kinda agree. Whatever the future holds, at least I’m confident that the Lord is with me, as I often remind myself.

But… having this reassurance in the Lord would really come in handy when I start dreaming about HER. It’s at times like this when I need to remember that whether I do eventually get the girl is really up to God… right? Sometimes I can’t help but be afraid of being over-passive when I keep this truth in mind. Anddd I end up too confused to function. Oh well, the way I look at it, the only way to advance is to take things as they go and react accordingly.

Sigh such is teenage life, yet I’m so thankful to be living right now.