Goodbyes are hard

When friends say goodbye and leave for a season, a sorrowful nostalgia is often unearthed. Any dear friend whom you've given to would surely yield such emotion. As the memories are relived, a nagging reluctance deters you from steering back to reality, for fear that the moments might be exposed for what they are now - just recollections, drifting, fading into that old box where you keep the past. But they are. They are.

It started out as a feeling

Which then grew into a hope

Which then turned into a quiet thought

Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder

'Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back

When you call me

No need to say goodbye

Goodbyes are hard. Losing is hard. Crying is hard.

Yet sometimes it is in the tears and the wrenching of the heart that the heart-owner is made aware of his need for the heart-Maker. Having been made aware of such a need, he pleads for the Maker of his heart to come. He draws near as he draws near. The Maker then begins to repair, restore, renew this poor old heart of his...

Maybe there'll come another day when the owner, in his own pride, forgets the heart-Maker's work, worse still, the Maker himself. Then His only salvation would be that the Maker would be so wise to allow that poor heart to yet suffer harm, that he might be wakened to his desperate need once more.

Thus the loving Maker refines us, to return us to what we began as - image bearers, perfect and pure, presented to the Lamb on that Day (:

no weapon

no wound

no blood

yes stab
yes pain

yes loss

please heal
please comfort

please fill

Rescue

What do you do when you see those whom you love drowning? You throw them a float, but they refuse it. They sink. The waters threaten to engulf their stone hearts. You go for the rescue. Some claw and kick their way out of your arms. Some reason and squirm away. Some lust after the very waters that kill them.

Dear brother who has been God’s unexpected gift to me, my heart still stings when I recall the day you shrugged your shoulders. How could one look into the perfect law, the law of liberty and miss it? Don’t settle for what the world offers! Christ is of surpassing worth! I pray and plead that you might someday see this. Believe! On that day, you’ll finally welcome death with a smile, knowing full well that it is but a narrow gate into eternity with your Beautiful Saviour.

Dear brother who is cursed with the gift of intellect, it hurts each time I catch a glimpse of your pain. My heart bleeds for your scars. You have studied the Scriptures so much more than me, yet… Stop banking on the wisdom of the world or the dark musings that dwell in your head. Christ is the answer, brother. That humiliated, poor criminal on the cross looks foolish to the world, but is God’s perfect wisdom! Would you humble yourself to surrender all to Him? There you’ll find the still waters you heart so desperately needs.

Dear sister whom I have hurt in the past, no words from me would heal the scar this foolish boy gave you. I am no one to demand an audience, but would you listen for a moment? You were with us for a while. Why did you leave? Do you not see that the thorns of the world will choke the implanted word in you? For a moment, you battled the enemy and fought well. Why surrender? Search no longer, Christ is the fountain of living waters! Only He will satisfy your thirst. No more futile lusting, no more fleeting numbings. Give your life to Him and take that much needed rest your soul needs.

Have mercy on our unclean souls O God! I plead with You for their lives. Will You not extend your grace to those whom You have died for?

the Anchor for the troubled soul

“… the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.”

(James 1:6)

Why have You hidden Your face from me Father?

My soul is unsettled, tossed around by the winds of uncertainty

My mind is a Sargasso Sea of truths and lies, how do I tell which is which?

How long will You keep me here in this entangled mess?

My heart sinks and my guts rise like the waves

Thunderclouds of doubt obscure the Sun

Searching but not finding

Yearning but no receiving

When will I gaze upon glory again?

How long till I see your face?

Still I will praise Your Name

For you brought me out of darkness into light

From death into life

What have I but Your grace to me?

Such is the mystery of the trial:

That in the relentless tumult of the tempest

My soul is secure

sure and steadfast

Anchored to the Rock who was cleft for me.

“We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain”

(Hebrews 6:19)

Songs to Sing at Daniel’s Funeral

To whom it may concern, please do me the favour of having these songs sung in worship of the Lord during my funeral services. If it may be possible, do try to end off the funeral services with these two songs. If not, just singing them is fine. Thanks for the effort (:

1.       I asked the Lord that I might grow (sung in the tune of the hymn “When I Survey”)

The Lord has so decided, in His grace, to allow this hymn to comfort me in dark times. It is truly often in the exposing our the “hidden evils” of our hearts that we are set free from self and pride. When the Lord mercifully shows us how completely helpless we are, it is then that some of us find our Saviour! Praise the manifold wisdom of God, that He would allow His children to suffer for a season, to remind them of His goodness.

My departure may be a trying time for you, but never forget that that Lord is indeed good good good. Let’s sing of His greatness and seek our all in Him and Him alone.

2.       Because He Lives (sung loudly and with an upbeat tune)

Rejoice with me as the resurrection of our Lord gives us hope! The single-most important event in human history continues to be a refuge for us to rest in the hope that we do have a glorious future with our God. Because He lives, we can face the worries of tomorrow! Because our greatest worry, the fear of Hell, was crushed when He rose. There is no more need to fear.

Because He holds my future, I am indeed secure (: Life is for sure worth the living my friends, for we no longer live for ourselves, but for Him, in whom our life is hidden. I have been WAITING for the day that I cross the icy river of death, and I have done so praise God!!! Thanks be to God that the once feared demise of death is nothing but a gateway in GLORY. I am worshipping our God in full joy now. Rejoice for my sake. But more so, rejoice for He lives.

Your brother-in-Christ

Daniel

April Fools

On 01 Apr 2018, I was baptised as a Christian. Below is the testimony I made, with members of the church as witness, before the baptism.

He must increase, but I must decrease.

John 3:30

Hello. My name is Daniel and I’m 22 this year.

I was first exposed to Christianity when I was in sec2. Our neighbour had brought my family to church. There was an altar call and somehow, we ended up saying the sinners’ prayer.On  the following week, we received this letter in the mail congratulating us on being “Christians”.

Back then I didn’t know what being a follower of Jesus meant so I happily went around in my class telling everyone that I became a Christian. My Christian friend heard this and invited me to a picnic organised by SYFC. I gradually became more and more involved with SYFC in their weekly meetings outside school and their evangelistic efforts – sharing the gospel to friends, doing street evangelism, meeting students etc. All these I did, even up till today. But if I were to be completely honest, it was the friendships and fun games that kept me involved, not the desire to spread the “Good News” of Jesus Christ. Truth was, I didn’t see how good this Good News it was.

Well, something happened last year that made me suspect that I was only a Christian by external appearance. You see, ever since I was in sec3 I was addicted to pornography and masturbation. Maybe “addicted” is not the most accurate word to use, since, I wasn’t really aware of it. It was just something I did for fun, something to take away the stresses and boredoms of life and something I just couldn’t do without. As I served in SYFC and got more involved in church, I began to hear more and more of how these behaviours are really sinful acts. Pornography and masturbation are clearly wrong in God’s eyes. But since nobody asked, I just kept my secret and continued to indulge in it. There were many days where I would be hard at work serving God in the day, only to return home to do the very thing that I preached against at night.

A series of encounters last year made me rethink my conviction as a Christian. A friend asked me “For what did Jesus die for you?”. Any Christian who attends church will tell you that “Jesus died for my sin”. But this friend intended for us to reflect on the specific sin we did to cause God Himself to shed blood on the cross.

Before I could gather my thoughts, he shared with me his own response to the question: “For me, it’s my porn addiction.” I was shocked. But yeah, that was one of the important moments that led me to my next critical decision. I decided to seek help and talk to my DGLs about my addiction. It wasn’t easy, but I tell you now, when I finally confessed to them, I was so relieved. No more hiding. No more living a double life and being the biggest hypocrite.

Since then I have been on a long journey to rid myself of this terribly sinful habit. I kept myself accountable to them. Tried ways and means to cut off possible sources of temptation like social media. But I would always end up going back into it after a short period of abstinence. It was only the start of this year, when, I felt this unnatural fear after another relapse of this addiction. I felt as if I were on the verge of being cut off from God. Almost immediately after that, God showed me how much He loved me, an unlovable, ever failing sinner. John 15:3 reads: "Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends." My Saviour has already shown His love for me in dying for me. Yet He is still so generous, that as I fail continually, He blesses me with such a loving and honest community to pray alongside me as I seek God over my failures. That fear, though less overwhelming nowadays, is still in me today. And that vision of love, I will never forget. I’m not proud to say this, but up till today, this is the longest period I have gone without a relapse. Only made possible by His power and His grace.

Funny thing is, before this, I could tell you all the logical and scientific arguments of why Jesus was real and Christianity was true. But I couldn’t answer honestly, that simple question that any Christian could, because I refused to acknowledge my sin! But now, I can confidently say that Jesus died for my sin, for my addiction. I can confidently say that I believe in Him as my LORD and Saviour. Because there’s literally nothing I can do on my own that will redeem me from my sin, I depend on Him who loved the unlovable to rescue me.

Because I’m thoroughly convicted that I’m a real sinner now, I believe in Jesus and call myself a Christian and Jesus follower. It may be hard at times, but I will gladly go to wherever my Lord calls me. All glory to Him and Him alone. Today, my commitment to be baptised will be the mark of my heavenward journey, to live my life solely for His wondrous purposes, because He is my God who loves me. No turning back.

There’s so much more I want to share: the lessons that my God has taught me through this journey, the people that He has brought to me and how He has been shaping my life to equip me for His calling.

But I think I’ve said enough, if you’re interested, feel free to talk to me and I’ll gladly talk more about how my Jesus is so amazing and so good.

the memoirs of Syndrome

I always wanted to be a hero. Soar the skies like Superman? Wage wild wars like Wolverine? Shoot lasers like Cyclops? Sign me up sir.

I’ll admit, even now I dream of being a hero. Though these days it’s often the escapades of anti-heroes like Venom or Deadpool that catch my eye. Maybe it’s just that I’ve seen the world in a clearer, less rosy light.

In a world rife with supernatural villainous forces, superheroes are seen, even worshipped as gods among men. And that’s the reason why I want to be a hero.

Wait.

Oh?

You think I give a hoot about the civilian population?

HAHAHA

What’s a hero without victims to save?

They’re nothing but pawns for me to escalate and flaunt my heroics.

If they survive, praise the Lord Almighty! But only because I risked my life for them.

If they don’t, well every mission has its collateral damage right?

Such is the fate of the weak and lost.

Oh? You think I’m evil now do you? Not fit for the title of “Hero” eh?

Wait till you see those who call themselves “Christian”.

Go. Ask them.

Why insist on going on arduous “mission trips” when the lost number plentiful among them? In their families. In their schools. In their workplaces.

Even in their churches.

Why push for greater budgets, only to erect newer, posher, buildings while the saints in persecution scrape for survival?

And you say I’m ego-centric?

And a hypocrite?

Puh-lease.

conversation with my old self

thanks to audrey

all glory be to God

in loving memory of

Here lies Reverend Rasha:

He

loved God and lusted after man

hated sin and everyone else (those detestable sinners!)

praised the Divine and spit on the weak

lifted his hands to worship and to rain blows

took from the poor and gave to the church

repented from evil and led others down the way that was broad

stood on the Word and the corpses of the murdered.

He removed many a speck

from his brothers’ eye.

I’m sure he’s in a better place.

the potter

Click.

Thump.

The whir of the wheel.

She throws

for mere delight

Wets her hands

because her father tells her to

Plows and anchors

blinded by hate

Hands hugging, she glides

to puff up the ego

Decisively makes a hole

for the sake of drawing smiles

Pulling up

to encourage the weak

Smoothens

to honour her Maker

Shapes and carves

just for the sake of it

The clay complies

until it is bone dry

The Furnace beckons

she enters the flames

only that which is tested

remains.

transmission intercepted

a letter to High Command, only for the eyes of General Levav. From Chief Advisor Sophia, while on a mission of diplomacy. Regarding the potential alliance with newly founded Medgard and her general, Grand Chancellor Eros. (intercepted for your viewing pleasure)

MISSION REPORT 3001182349

(Apologies for the delay sir. This report was intended to reach your hands two days earlier, the Comms Unit were held back by their frivolous relations with the Medgardians. They have since been appropriately disciplined.)

Our diplomatic talks with Medgard have been going well. Terribly well, if I might add. There seem to be a slight issue though. I can’t (for the life of me) ascertain their true intentions. For a lack of a better word, there seems to be mixed signals here. These people seem so chummy one moment, yet frigid the next.

Truth is, we don’t need this alliance. At least not as of yet. Well, only if it’s within the Divine foreknowledge. The Divine knows and fulfils the need of our nation. Our duty and pleasure to seek that which He deems Right and ordained His kingdom. Regardless of diplomacy (however attractive it might seem to our sovereignty) the Omniscience is and should always be the priority.

As with all matters concerning foreign affairs, this doesn’t concern us alone. I put to you that it might be in the Medgardians benefit that we rush not into this marriage of nations. For history repeats itself like the noria at the banks of the rivers. And many a coalition have turned sour from hurriedly signed treaties (for they fear that either party would turn tail or back stab). Therefore, we cannot be rash.

As uncertainty and confusion already seem to have struck the Medgardians, we must not join them in their folly. In this way, we are not merely preserving this friendship, but the Divine would be pleased, for it is an act of love. I propose we call off a number of the combined exercises with the Medgardian military. Postpone a few of the free-trade zones. And, with all due respect sir, your personal correspondences with Chancellor Eros might have to be cut down. Remember the reason for which we exist.

I am aware that Sir Nephesh of the Palace Guard disagrees with me. That old fool. You’d think a man as in tune with the soul as him would detach himself from the natural Affections for once, for the sake of the body.

Heed not my brother Shacal. He sides with Sir Nephesh on this matter for his own mischievous purposes (which I know not of). Do not forget how he has brought us to the brink of ruin on multiple occasions. The guy doesn’t even make his own bed. Mock him. Laugh at him. But follow his advice, and our nation will crumble.

Lev, my dearest friend, I’m speaking to you as Sophia now. I still remember when you picked me up from the open squares, the gates of the city. Has my counsel ever failed you? Not many have regarded my words Lev. You have seen those whom on which my words have fell on deaf ears. Terror and destruction like stormy whirlwinds. My friend, I wish not for you to suffer their end. Whether this alliance passes or not should be of far less importance to us as of this time. But your moves tell me otherwise Lev. Maybe it will pass, maybe it won't. Regardless of the outcome, remember our duty and pleasure my friend.

I wish I could take over and rule the nation, like you’ve always asked. But you know I can’t. The Divine has ordained it to be you. Lev, it’s your choice to make. Do better this time.

Yours forever,

WISDOM

Advisor Sophia

beware the apparent victory

To my dear soldier-in-the-Lord. 

I have received news that you seem to be doing well! It’s seems to be a bit of time that you have gone without displeasing the Lord in that particular way you often fall prey to. Praise the Lord for His protection thus far. Dear brother, do be encouraged and strive to further the fight as we look towards the hope of glory together (:

My heart is pleased and my soul is warm. Yet I write to you as one who has re-entered the enemy’s inner courts too many a time. I know the next temptation that will befall you all too well. Therefore, I must see to it that you be ever aware of this.

For it is written: “So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!”

Beware the apparent victory you have over the accuser now. None of us are completely free from the marauding sin in the heart. For it takes a mere tweaking of the pitchfork, an alteration in his devious schemes, to ensnare you within the self-spun web of self-righteousness. You’d be crawling back to your phone in a matter of days.

Recall, dear friend, that it was never by your will, nor effort, that you gained this foothold against the roaring lion. Only by the undeserved provision of your Redeemer, were you able to walk thus far. Do not be deceived.

I command you, precious comrade, to rally the troops. Never allow the impending fight to reduce your men to cowering worms. Be nourished by the God-breathed words handed down since generations past, and they will be strong. Nothing in Scripture is written in vain, and it is indeed our wisdom and duty, dear friend, to learn from it.

The truth is, oh dear heart of mine, my security against sin is found in my distrust of you. I’d be lying if I denied the anguish awash upon my soul now. Sometimes it’s the civil wars that hurt the most. But it has to be. For you have led me nowhere but into the slough over and over again.

For this reason, I yearn for the day that you and I might be reconciled when the Maker hammers you into glorious conformity to His perfect design. Whilst I endure the wait, my assurance is this, that my faithful King will never allow temptation beyond what I can bear. At the height of its apparent unbearableness lies the escape route He has paved for me to slip. How merciful is the Almighty indeed!

Keep at it. Remember the enemy seeks to war against our soul. Fight to flee.

May the Lord find us faithful.

a letter to the defeated

The very fact that you are reading this is a miracle. Your heart is so fickle, it's truly by God's grace that you're brought back here. Recognise that as much as it was God's will to humble you (and therefore go back to seek His face), it was your full decision to engage in the very act that drove the nails into His hands and feet.

How are you feeling? Detached? Everything's in a haze? Don't wanna think about it? Fearful? Prideful? You'd do better to humble yourself sir. I'm praying for you to. Hurry up and confess it to the people you keep accountable to! The longer you delay it, the less the urgency shall be felt. Lest you forget (as you are prone to), I request that you do it now. 

Entrust yourself to this group of saints that He has blessed you with! Give thanks for their relentless brotherhood. God is so good to you. You better believe it.

So, what was it this time? Morning idleness? Boredom? Breaking your no-phone rule? Whatever it was, cut it now. Whatever it is that caused you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is truly better to suffer this temporary hurt, than to risk deviating from the Divine an inch. Though you don't ever admit it, you're really not wise. If you're even a tad bit unsure of how to cut it, ask. Talk to the brothers our dear Lord has sent your way.

Quiet your hazy heart and ask God to clear the fog. Pray for Him to let you see once more, that which was clouded by the enemy. Cast aside the lies of compromise and believe only that which is Believable. Read His word, and trust in the hope of eternity. Cling not, cherish not the world. For the umpteenth time (do not be discouraged at this), turn your back on the temporal ticklings, look for eternal Joy.

It doesn’t end here. The enemy will use your failure as a despicable opportunity to hammer in the nails of unfaithfulness. If you, by God’s mercy, take a closer look, you’ll see that the ferocity in which he hammers is fuelled by your very own sloth. Do not, ever, for an instant, take your eyes away from the kingdom work. Remember your commitments to our Lord. Never let the tumour of sin metastasize to the ministry. And let’s continue to look forward to the Day, when our dear Master returns to call His good and faithful servant ok?

We are never deserving of His Love, that’s why it’s called Charity. Yet He, oh how He loves the unlovable! Pray for an inkling of Love Himself to rub off on you, that we can pursue Him with a fraction of the intensity in which he runs after us.

Go to Him, my broken spirit. Yet remember that we are indeed victorious. This was written not to affirm you of your filth, but to encourage you, dear Daniel, that the battle is truly truly truly already won! That’s the reason we fight, remember?

Do better now, dear friend.

my red lizard

I have a red lizard, 

he scratches my itches.

His sort is not

allowed in the Holy City.

I know

but he scratches my itches.

Shall I remove him?

It will hurt though.

I don't know... 

he's not that bad...

Do you trust Him?

Help me to.