I decided to post some of my daily reflections I record when I read the Bible. Hopefully it reminds me of what God has revealed to me already. I'm praying that it encourages whoever's reading as well (: Praise God for His beautiful revelations.


23/11
HOW DO WE RESPOND TO JESUS
Mark 5:1-20

• Jesus met a man possessed by a legion of demons
• The man fell on his knees before Jesus and the demons recognised Jesus as God's Son
• Jesus cast out the demons and news of this spread to the town
• The people pleaded with Jesus to leave because they were afraid
• The man wanted to follow Jesus, but Jesus told him to go home and share how Jesus had mercy on him

I think it's quite easy to take accounts of Jesus casting out demons and skim through them, especially when we've read them many times before. So I think sometimes it's good to pause and take in the gravity of these accounts. I don't think I've ever come across a demon (at least not that I know of...), but I'm pretty sure I would be terrified at the sight of such possessions. I'm already pretty scared when I watch movies like The Conjuring, so if I happened to witness this sort of thing in real life, I'd definitely be afraid. Who wouldn't right? An evil supernatural being who has power over you? I'd probably be crying.

Only when we understand this, then we might have a shot at taking in the power of Jesus. He had complete authority over this legion of demons! So much so that they couldn't even run at the sight of him! Only when He gave the permission, they were allowed to go into the pigs. In theory, in terms of power, one ought to be more afraid of Jesus. Coincidentally, that was the exact response of the people who had heard of this miracle. They were terrified at his power...

Yet the man who was healed had a completely different response. He wanted to follow Jesus. So why the different response? He personally witnessed the extent of Jesus's power, wouldn't he be more afraid? Maybe there's something about personally experiencing Jesus that differentiates itself from mere hearing about Jesus's works. Okay I'm just speculating here, but maybe the man saw more than the power of demons. Maybe he saw love. Or compassion. So strong that it compelled Jesus to have mercy on him. He saw that and he made up his mind. I want to follow him!

I don't know whether I can fully apply this to our lives but I do see some similarities here, at least when I observe how people respond to Jesus. It's clear that to date, not everyone who has heard of Jesus has believed in Him. Not everyone who has had the gospel shared to them  has decided to follow Jesus. Some are afraid of the consequences of what it might mean to follow him. Some are afraid because they've "lost" family members to Christianity.

 Reading this passage, I suspect the reason for this to be the lack of that personal encounter with Jesus. Just like the demon-possessed man, I've been in (and sometimes still am) in that filthy, broken state. And I've been healed (and encountered Jesus) in a way only the demon-possessed man will know. So, I conclude, within the core of my being, that I need Jesus. Maybe that's what it takes to compel us to follow Jesus.

31/10
DO NOT BE DECEIVED
1 Corinthians 6:7-11
James 2:14-26

Before I begin writing I think I need to pray for God to grant me a discerning mind. May my words be glorifying to Him, and true of His Word.

The longer we spend gathering in Christian communities, going to church and doing Christ-related stuff, we're bound to hear of doctrines like the "perseverance of the saints" or even hear things like "once saved always saved". However, the tendency then would be to take these reassuring doctrines and pump them into our system, without a complete understanding of them. The result of this is frightening.

Those of us who do this only prove one point right. The point that Karl Marx was making when he proclaimed, speaking of religion:

"It is the opium of the people."

I think it's terrifyingly easy for us to convey (and even BELIEVE ourselves) the absurd misunderstanding that salvation is by "admittance". There is a twisted misconception among us that being a Christian is akin to a "stamping of our eternal passport". And once I pray the sinner's prayer, I'm secured. Signed. Sealed. Insured.

Because my passport is choped, I'm free to enjoy life. After all, I'm saved by His grace right? All that repentance, fellowship, evangelism stuff are just a “good-to-have”. I'm good where I am. Plus, the body is just temporal! Whatever I do with it shouldn't have any lasting consequences right? All that matters is that my soul is guaranteed eternal life. 

If indeed we subscribe to this line of thought, Paul has a stern warning for us, as he wrote to the Corinthians. Do not be deceived. The unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God. This is the point when I cringe and prepare to defend my stand against those of us who exclaim:

"But PERSEVERANCE OF THE SAINTS!"

"But Jesus's blood has made us righteous in God's sight! So, I will inherit the kingdom!"

"But I thought we are saved by grace through faith! Not works!"

Yes, I completely believe that we are justified through faith! In my faith that Jesus's bought my righteousness before God at the infinitely excruciating price of His death. But if our faith does not compel us to hate sin, if our faith doesn't cause us to desire above all else to make Him known, can we truly consider it faith? James echoes this when he writes in James 2:26.

For as the body apart from the spirit is dead, so also faith apart from works is dead.

Yet we don’t consider this for fear of contradicting the “perseverance of the saints”. 

Do you realise what we have done? We've taken a truth that is meant to bring us assurance in Christ our Lord, and used it as a drug! To numb the promptings of the Holy Spirit which scream at us to REPENT! If my "faith" in His death does not bring about an intense hate for the very thing that caused my Saviour to be crushed; that "faith" that I so desperately cling on to, while awaiting the day that my passport is approved, is dead.

You know, it's tragically ironic. We often use the analogy of a drug addict to describe how the world is steeped in sin, inescapably addicted. So, pastors exhort their congregations, mentors warn their younger ones to avoid these worldly influences, for they are lethal in that they draw us in and leave us dead in sin. We fail to realise this: In our attempt to wean off the world's nasty influences on us, we pump our veins full of misunderstood doctrines. I plead with you, do not be deceived.

Salvation faith is sin-killing faith. Salvation faith is daily-on-my-knees-repentance faith. Salvation faith is evangelism-doing faith. Do you not know this? Salvation faith is God-granted faith.

We need to be warned about this! Does my faith in Christ's death and resurrection COMPEL me to have daily communion with my God who continually loves and pursues me? If not, Paul says to us, do not be deceived. By our apparent "faith". When I recognise how dire of a situation this is, I see that the only rational thing for me to do is to pray and depend on the Lord. If you agree with me that the only faith worthy of salvation is a God-given one, pray along with me that God grants us that faith in Him. Faith that is alive and results in every good work.

Considering how deceitful our hearts can be, we ought to be cautious when applying this truth to others. By no means are we to judge our fellow Christians on their works or apparent lack thereof. Who are we to assert that their faith is not God-given? Only God Almighty sees into the hearts of men. Plus, there could be a myriad of reasons as to why a Christian doesn't seem to be actively evangelising or even engaging in daily repentance. The lack of genuine faith is but a mere needle in the haystack of possible reasons. Could it be that they simply don't know how exactly to go about doing it?

I have to admit, I'm quick to judge, especially when it comes to things of faith. I often fail to recognise that I was once reluctant to share the gospel. I kept my secret sin for years. Who am I to judge others for having "fake faith" and cut them off or shun them? 

In the end, I've come to understand this: because of the subjective nature of faith, because we cannot see into each other’s hearts; what else are we to do but to hold fast in our journey of faith together as a community consisting of those with mature and immature faith? What else are we to do but pray that God completes the work of sanctification He starts in each and every one of us? For only God grants that genuine faith that His elected have, by no other means are we saved.

my confession

Update (05032018): I decided to just come out and say it. Matilda is "masturbation" and Penelope refers to "pornography".

I think there’s something you should know. I’m involved in a secret relationship with Matilda. Well, it’s not a secret anymore, but I’ll get to that later. This has been going on for 6 years, to say the least. For the past 5 years I’ve always held on to the belief that if all else failed in life, she’d be there for me. I call these years the “glory years”. And for these years, it has indeed been the case. At least, in my limited perspective. At least, until the all-exposing light of truth shone on this heinous sin of mine.

You know I really thought everything was fine. Truthfully though, there were clues that pointed to the destructive nature of Matilda. Back in the “glory years”, I would hear of people talking, even warning that such relationships were to be avoided at all costs. I never heeded their advice. Plus, these words were never directed at me. (Probably because they never knew you were so steeped in toxicity, idiot.) So, I went on with it, never realising that our relationship was the exact opposite of what I claimed to be – Christian. A follower of Christ. I even sang “I have decided to follow Jesus” with the jitters. Yet everyday (well, almost everyday.) I’d come back and partake of the very relationship that defiled me.

I should’ve seen the signs. Man, I really should’ve known. It wasn’t long into this unholy union that Matilda brought her friend, Penelope, into our relationship. That was when things took a deadly turn for the worse. Penelope was a monster. Yet she seemed to understand my every want. Even my weird quirks. So, I gave in. Each and every time she beckoned, I came bounding over. I was hooked. Warnings against people like Penelope were much more serious. The line was clear, so was the exhortation. Cut her off. Period. But I couldn’t. I was hooked, addicted to the very sin that threatened to damn me. Yet I still wanted very much to remain in this Christian community I enjoyed. So, I maintained a façade, pretended I was fine, falsified my sincerity. Anything to maintain a semblance of sanity.

Turning points don’t come at the snap of a finger. You remember them as turning points because these happenings were the dominoes that started the cascade, the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back. Truth is, the dominoes had to be set before that one could topple them all. The camel had to have already been weakened for a stalk to break it.

My domino came in the form of a YouTube video. Leading up to this moment, all the domino prep work had already been done beforehand. Short but powerful warnings in small groups, sermons, and the like. Still, no one approached me with this. Up till today, I’m inclined to believe that if anyone questioned me about these secret relationships, I’d probably would’ve caved and confessed. (How can you expect elders to rebuke you if they know nothing about your sin? Fool.)

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, my domino. Yea it was this YouTube video that gave a similar warning, but it wasn’t really the main topic of the video. Funny how when the heart’s interest is piqued, we tend to listen more attentively… It took a deal of struggling with myself but that was when I sent the texts to my mentors in church:

Then began a series of confessions and accountability meetups. It felt glad to be finally rid of the burden of keep Matilda and Penelope under wraps. Oh the relief I felt to finally have it dawn upon me that they were beyond toxic!

We read the Word together. They got me to read a book on this particular topic. I didn’t want anything to do with the 2 of them anymore; let’s just say, whatever we were engaging in, it wasn’t just dishonouring to God, but it defiled me. I didn’t want to continue this anymore. Convicted as I was, I took on all ways and means to cut them off. I shan’t get into details, but the “cutting off” process definitely hurt. Sometimes it would even draw questions from my friends (who might’ve noticed some things were different).

And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.

Yet till this day, I’m not completely free from their clutches. First, I would be reminded of their sweet lies and tempted to reach out to them. Just this once. Then Matilda usually comes first. Closely followed by Penelope.

Ever since those texts, I have been in a constant battle against the passions of the flesh that wage war against my soul. Temptation, Sin, Guilt, Repentance, rinse and repeat. I'm reluctant to say this, but I'm still stuck with the two of them. Can I even call it true repentance if that seems to be the pattern?

Regardless, the reason I stand up yet again is this: I cannot deny God. He is as real to me as the concrete upon which I’m sitting now. Even after being deceived by their temptings, I am compelled to confess my sin and begin this uphill battle to repent.

Thanks be to God for the conviction carved out on my heart. Thanks be to God for the revelation of my sin. Yet I’m not satisfied with these. It isn’t enough that I see the ugly sin within me. It isn’t enough that I fully believe in God’s reality. I must win this war. My relationship with my loving Creator is at stake. Eternal life, full of joy is at stake.

With every fall, I cry out to my Redeemer. Please no more guilt and shame! For my Redeemer lives. He died and rose that I may escape my hell-bound race. Pull me up on my feet again so I may fight to flee.

Create in me a clean heart O God. A heart that so delights in You that nothing in the world will steal me away.

life's too big for me

There are times when the temptation to give up and run is strong. I just had a moment like that in the shower.

I recently understood the difference between preaching the gospel to strangers or students during street evangelism; and doing likewise to people whom I love and care for. I’ve been so used to rejection by students who “just listen only” or simply make fun of the faith, it doesn’t really bother me much. Yet recent attempts to speak to loved ones about Christ have taken a toll on my weak heart (somewhat).

It hurts.

It hurts when I see my beloved friends and family treat the very gospel that CHANGES LIVES as a passing remark. It hurts when they confess that they just can’t believe. It hurts when I don’t see a real attempt to engage in fellowship with my God. And when hurt and disappointment set in, the whispers of “give up…” become screams of relent.

Typing this down, I realise how much of a hypocrite I am. There have been periods, lots of them, when I treat my God as such. I’m unfaithful to His calling. I’m unloving to His people. I’m unrepentant in my heart.

Life is indeed too big for me Lord, help.

What refuge do I have from the storms of life? Who else do I go to but You Lord?

Change me. Mould me. Refine me. Keep me. That I may hold fast to You in faith.

Please equip me for my life ahead Jesus.

If it’s to preach to family and friends Lord, give me the patience.

If it’s to evangelise to strangers, stir my heart to love them more.

If it’s to encourage fellow saints, bolster my words with Your Spirit.

If it’s to rebuke a wayward friend, strengthen and embolden me.

Keep me from stumbling. 

Yet let all things be within Your will.

Tragedy

Tragedy was when I broke my birthday present
or dropped my favourite mug.

Tragedy was when I turned a means for me to train my mind
to a mad race for the numbers 6, 90 and 5.0.

Tragedy was when I interpreted the means of His provision
as a never-ending ladder of my own glory.

Tragedy was when I trampled upon friendship 
and used them as means to kill my boredom.

Tragedy was when I took family 
to be an evitable springboard into the greener side. 

Tragedy was when I abused what was meant to bring joy
as means to levitate my ego.

Tragedy was when I chose to twist the potential for abounding love
Into the greatest calamity.

Upon the greatest tragedies reigns a Greater Mystery
It is as such:

Tragedy was when He lost a Son
Tragedy was when He was crushed for my sin

In the end
Tragedy is when I refuse Him still
and numb it with fleeting fantasies.

My worth and unworthiness

If somebody took the identity of any person in the world today and condensed it to its essence, what would it contain? The stuff they managed to collect? The deeds that they accomplished? The relationships that they were a part of?

I believe that something inevitable at the core of our very being, something inseparable from our identity, is choice. The choices that we make in lives, big or small, go a long way to define us. Some might even argue that the choices of our parents led up right to our existence. But I’m not here to start that discussion.

I’ve come to realise the choices that we make in life, whether it’d be major decisions like choosing what to study in university and marriage, or the most seemingly insignificant ones like what to wear this morning or what colour pen I use to write in; are based on what we value, the stuff that we deem “of worth”.

If I love chocolate, chances are, you’d find me munching on a bar of brown indulgence more often than not. Similarly, if I value things like money or good grades, would I not take the effort (either in study or work) to achieve these things?

The catastrophic problem comes when we blur the lines between what we value and what our value is. I’m all for striving hard for excellence in the careers or studies that God has so graciously gifted us. But when we start defining our worth with these things, we’re paving the way to an eventual disappointing demise.

The truth is, everybody makes mistakes, so when we start finding our worth in our own efforts or the expectations of others, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment. We’ll find that the people or things that we so dearly hold on to fail us. If my worth is in my relationship with my girlfriend, what happens when we break up? If my worth is in number of likes I get on Instagram, what if one day I don’t get those likes? If my worth is the number of A’s on my report book, what if I fail?

I can tell you what I’ll feel. I’ll feel like trash. Worthless.

Writing this down, it seems ridiculous, but God has gifted me with the ability to joke. To lighten up a tense atmosphere. To cheer people up. But I have a messed-up way of taking a gift from God and glorifying myself with it. As such I find my worth in my ability to draw laughter from others. It may sound ridiculous to you, but the truth is, I define my worth in how others view me (doesn’t seem very different from the Instagram addict now does it?) and in my dictionary, the more laughs I get, the greater my value. And when somebody funnier comes along, when someone simply has a different sense of humour than me, I feel crappy when whatever I say doesn’t elicit that coveted “hahaha”.

In my quest for the right thing to put my worth in, I ask myself this.

What matters the most in this universe?

I formulated a question to help my search.

If ________ wasn’t present, the universe would not go on.

Go on. Try to fill in that blank. The only conclusion I’ve come to, the only answer to that blank that begins to make sense is “God”. People with big brains (think: philosophers) like to say that God is the only necessary being in the universe. This simply means that without this Almighty God who created the universe and sustains it, the universe would not go on.

In that case, the natural conclusion is that we should put our worth in God’s expectations of us right? Since He’s truly the only Person that matters. If that’s the case, the Bible tells us in Romans 3:10-12 that every single one of us misses the mark of God’s good expectations. I guess we’re worthless then. Since we all fail to measure up to the only standard that matters.

Here comes the truly liberating mystery at the heart of Christianity.

Because I know that God is the only being that matters, I know that whatever He says, goes. No one would be able to oppose him. Come on, He SPOKE the world into existence. This is the point where I direct you to John 3:16 which says that God, in His love, sent His Son to the world. So that we wouldn’t perish like worthless dust, but to have eternal life, to be of worth in God’s eyes. Every time I think of this I can’t help but have goosebumps.

If that isn’t enough to overwhelm you, in Philippians 2:6-8 we read of how this very Jesus humbled Himself. From an infinite God to the form of a puny created being. Not just any created being, to be born in the form of a helpless infant. Not just to live as a human, but to die in one of the most humiliating ways possible, to hang on a cross. Now if someone goes through all that for YOU, would you dare say in His face, “In Your eyes I have no worth.”?

There’s no more any need to feel that “I’m not good enough”. Neither is there any reason in getting caught up over my failures. That, is truly liberating. Only when we start to see our worth in light of God’s loving sacrifice, will we then be able to give thanks, even in the midst of breakups, failures, and rejection.

Do you realise how radical this shift in perspective this is? From now on, I don’t study hard because my grades define my worth, I give my best to study because it’s a gift from God. And I want to tell Him, to show Him that I love and appreciate this gift. I don’t put in effort to keep my friendships because they spell out my value, I do so because even my friends are a gift from my loving God. And so I spend my time to know them and love them, because they’re a gift.

The conclusion of the matter is this: Anything, other than the blood of Jesus, that we use to define our own worth is a sweet lie we tell to comfort ourselves. Not my performance. Not self-praise. Not even the “good Christian” things I do. My only worth is my faith that the God of the universe died for worthless me. And I cling on to that. What a wonderful mystery, such is our worth and unworthiness.

My pre-click heart

Wow. Reading some of the posts that were made last year made me kinda sad. I'm reminded of the dark place my heart was in, just a year ago. Blindly struggling with self-worth, basing it on the wrong things, and letting these things disappoint.

Well, there came a point in time this year when something clicked in my heart (thus the title) and convicted me of the only reasonable benchmark to place my worth in. The result was a radically, liberating, paradigm-shift in my perspective of life. 

Maybe I'll muster the courage to write about it in the future.

As for now, it truly feels as if I'm being set on fire. Excited to bring this liberating Good News to all whom God places my way. The next post will probably be my reflections regarding self-worth. I wrote them about a week back.

Wednesday.

0830 : Reveille. Watched Ep2 of "Breaking Bad".

0900 : Made coffee.

0930 : Devotion on Acts 27. Thanked God for using His people to remind me to stop, remember and repent.

1017 : Watched random videos on YouTube homepage.

1056 :  - debase -

1114 : Downloaded a game from the Play Store. Played it.

1132 : Lunch. Porridge with luncheon meat.

1149 : Browsed YouTube homepage.

1158 :  - defile -

1209 : Back to YouTube.

1254 : Watched Ep2 of "Fight for my way".

1417 : "Breaking Bad" episodes 3 & 4.

1606 : HIIT.

1630 : Shower.

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And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.'  

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a new day

He came to my desk with a quivering lip,
the lesson was done.
“Have you a new sheet for me, dear teacher?
I’ve spoiled this one.”
I took his sheet, all soiled and blotted
and gave him a new one all unspotted.
And into his tired heart I cried,
“Do better now, my child.”


I came to the throne with a trembling heart;
the day was done.
“Have you a new day for me, dear Master?
I’ve spoiled this one.”
He took my day, all soiled and blotted
and gave me a new one all unspotted.
And into my tired heart he cried,
“Do better now, my child.”

Author anonymous, “A New Leaf,” James G. Lawson, compiler, The Best Loved Religious Poems (Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 1961).