My worth and unworthiness

If somebody took the identity of any person in the world today and condensed it to its essence, what would it contain? The stuff they managed to collect? The deeds that they accomplished? The relationships that they were a part of?

I believe that something inevitable at the core of our very being, something inseparable from our identity, is choice. The choices that we make in lives, big or small, go a long way to define us. Some might even argue that the choices of our parents led up right to our existence. But I’m not here to start that discussion.

I’ve come to realise the choices that we make in life, whether it’d be major decisions like choosing what to study in university and marriage, or the most seemingly insignificant ones like what to wear this morning or what colour pen I use to write in; are based on what we value, the stuff that we deem “of worth”.

If I love chocolate, chances are, you’d find me munching on a bar of brown indulgence more often than not. Similarly, if I value things like money or good grades, would I not take the effort (either in study or work) to achieve these things?

The catastrophic problem comes when we blur the lines between what we value and what our value is. I’m all for striving hard for excellence in the careers or studies that God has so graciously gifted us. But when we start defining our worth with these things, we’re paving the way to an eventual disappointing demise.

The truth is, everybody makes mistakes, so when we start finding our worth in our own efforts or the expectations of others, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment. We’ll find that the people or things that we so dearly hold on to fail us. If my worth is in my relationship with my girlfriend, what happens when we break up? If my worth is in number of likes I get on Instagram, what if one day I don’t get those likes? If my worth is the number of A’s on my report book, what if I fail?

I can tell you what I’ll feel. I’ll feel like trash. Worthless.

Writing this down, it seems ridiculous, but God has gifted me with the ability to joke. To lighten up a tense atmosphere. To cheer people up. But I have a messed-up way of taking a gift from God and glorifying myself with it. As such I find my worth in my ability to draw laughter from others. It may sound ridiculous to you, but the truth is, I define my worth in how others view me (doesn’t seem very different from the Instagram addict now does it?) and in my dictionary, the more laughs I get, the greater my value. And when somebody funnier comes along, when someone simply has a different sense of humour than me, I feel crappy when whatever I say doesn’t elicit that coveted “hahaha”.

In my quest for the right thing to put my worth in, I ask myself this.

What matters the most in this universe?

I formulated a question to help my search.

If ________ wasn’t present, the universe would not go on.

Go on. Try to fill in that blank. The only conclusion I’ve come to, the only answer to that blank that begins to make sense is “God”. People with big brains (think: philosophers) like to say that God is the only necessary being in the universe. This simply means that without this Almighty God who created the universe and sustains it, the universe would not go on.

In that case, the natural conclusion is that we should put our worth in God’s expectations of us right? Since He’s truly the only Person that matters. If that’s the case, the Bible tells us in Romans 3:10-12 that every single one of us misses the mark of God’s good expectations. I guess we’re worthless then. Since we all fail to measure up to the only standard that matters.

Here comes the truly liberating mystery at the heart of Christianity.

Because I know that God is the only being that matters, I know that whatever He says, goes. No one would be able to oppose him. Come on, He SPOKE the world into existence. This is the point where I direct you to John 3:16 which says that God, in His love, sent His Son to the world. So that we wouldn’t perish like worthless dust, but to have eternal life, to be of worth in God’s eyes. Every time I think of this I can’t help but have goosebumps.

If that isn’t enough to overwhelm you, in Philippians 2:6-8 we read of how this very Jesus humbled Himself. From an infinite God to the form of a puny created being. Not just any created being, to be born in the form of a helpless infant. Not just to live as a human, but to die in one of the most humiliating ways possible, to hang on a cross. Now if someone goes through all that for YOU, would you dare say in His face, “In Your eyes I have no worth.”?

There’s no more any need to feel that “I’m not good enough”. Neither is there any reason in getting caught up over my failures. That, is truly liberating. Only when we start to see our worth in light of God’s loving sacrifice, will we then be able to give thanks, even in the midst of breakups, failures, and rejection.

Do you realise how radical this shift in perspective this is? From now on, I don’t study hard because my grades define my worth, I give my best to study because it’s a gift from God. And I want to tell Him, to show Him that I love and appreciate this gift. I don’t put in effort to keep my friendships because they spell out my value, I do so because even my friends are a gift from my loving God. And so I spend my time to know them and love them, because they’re a gift.

The conclusion of the matter is this: Anything, other than the blood of Jesus, that we use to define our own worth is a sweet lie we tell to comfort ourselves. Not my performance. Not self-praise. Not even the “good Christian” things I do. My only worth is my faith that the God of the universe died for worthless me. And I cling on to that. What a wonderful mystery, such is our worth and unworthiness.