Update (05032018): I decided to just come out and say it. Matilda is "masturbation" and Penelope refers to "pornography".
I think there’s something you should know. I’m involved in a secret relationship with Matilda. Well, it’s not a secret anymore, but I’ll get to that later. This has been going on for 6 years, to say the least. For the past 5 years I’ve always held on to the belief that if all else failed in life, she’d be there for me. I call these years the “glory years”. And for these years, it has indeed been the case. At least, in my limited perspective. At least, until the all-exposing light of truth shone on this heinous sin of mine.
I think there’s something you should know. I’m involved in a secret relationship with Matilda. Well, it’s not a secret anymore, but I’ll get to that later. This has been going on for 6 years, to say the least. For the past 5 years I’ve always held on to the belief that if all else failed in life, she’d be there for me. I call these years the “glory years”. And for these years, it has indeed been the case. At least, in my limited perspective. At least, until the all-exposing light of truth shone on this heinous sin of mine.
You know I really thought everything was fine. Truthfully
though, there were clues that pointed to the destructive nature of Matilda.
Back in the “glory years”, I would hear of people talking, even warning that
such relationships were to be avoided at all costs. I never heeded their
advice. Plus, these words were never directed at me. (Probably because they
never knew you were so steeped in toxicity, idiot.) So, I went on with it,
never realising that our relationship was the exact opposite of what I claimed
to be – Christian. A follower of Christ. I even sang “I have decided to follow
Jesus” with the jitters. Yet everyday (well, almost everyday.) I’d come back
and partake of the very relationship that defiled me.
I should’ve seen the signs. Man, I really should’ve known.
It wasn’t long into this unholy union that Matilda brought her friend,
Penelope, into our relationship. That was when things took a deadly turn for
the worse. Penelope was a monster. Yet she seemed to understand my every want.
Even my weird quirks. So, I gave in. Each and every time she beckoned, I came
bounding over. I was hooked. Warnings against people like Penelope were much
more serious. The line was clear, so was the exhortation. Cut her off. Period.
But I couldn’t. I was hooked, addicted to the very sin that threatened to damn
me. Yet I still wanted very much to remain in this Christian community I
enjoyed. So, I maintained a façade, pretended I was fine, falsified my
sincerity. Anything to maintain a semblance of sanity.
Turning points don’t come at the snap of a finger. You
remember them as turning points because these happenings were the dominoes that
started the cascade, the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back. Truth
is, the dominoes had to be set before that one could topple them all. The camel
had to have already been weakened for a stalk to break it.
My domino came in the form of a YouTube video. Leading up to
this moment, all the domino prep work had already been done beforehand. Short
but powerful warnings in small groups, sermons, and the like. Still, no one
approached me with this. Up till today, I’m inclined to believe that if anyone
questioned me about these secret relationships, I’d probably would’ve caved and
confessed. (How can you expect elders to rebuke you if they know nothing about
your sin? Fool.)
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, my domino. Yea it was this
YouTube video that gave a similar warning, but it wasn’t really the main topic
of the video. Funny how when the heart’s interest is piqued, we tend to listen
more attentively… It took a deal of struggling with myself but that was when I
sent the texts to my mentors in church:
Then began a series of confessions and accountability meetups.
It felt glad to be finally rid of the burden of keep Matilda and Penelope under
wraps. Oh the relief I felt to finally have it dawn upon me that they were
beyond toxic!
We read the Word together. They got me to read a book on
this particular topic. I didn’t want anything to do with the 2 of them anymore;
let’s just say, whatever we were engaging in, it wasn’t just dishonouring to
God, but it defiled me. I didn’t want to continue this anymore. Convicted as I
was, I took on all ways and means to cut them off. I shan’t get into details,
but the “cutting off” process definitely hurt. Sometimes it would even draw
questions from my friends (who might’ve noticed some things were different).
And if your right hand
causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose
one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.
Yet till this day, I’m not completely free from their
clutches. First, I would be reminded of their sweet lies and tempted to reach
out to them. Just this once. Then Matilda usually comes first. Closely followed
by Penelope.
Ever since those texts, I have been in a constant battle
against the passions of the flesh that wage war against my soul. Temptation,
Sin, Guilt, Repentance, rinse and repeat. I'm reluctant to say this, but I'm still stuck with the two of them. Can I even call it true repentance if
that seems to be the pattern?
Regardless, the reason I stand up yet again is this: I
cannot deny God. He is as real to me as the concrete upon which I’m sitting now.
Even after being deceived by their temptings, I am compelled to confess my sin
and begin this uphill battle to repent.
Thanks be to God for the conviction carved out on my heart.
Thanks be to God for the revelation of my sin. Yet I’m not satisfied with
these. It isn’t enough that I see the ugly sin within me. It isn’t enough that
I fully believe in God’s reality. I must win this war. My relationship with my
loving Creator is at stake. Eternal life, full of joy is at stake.
With every fall, I cry out to my Redeemer. Please no more
guilt and shame! For my Redeemer lives. He died and rose that I may escape my
hell-bound race. Pull me up on my feet again so I may fight to flee.
Create in me a clean heart O God. A heart that so delights
in You that nothing in the world will steal me away.
