check yourself

This is probably the last time I’ll write about this issue. You know how they say “you never know how much something means to you till you lose it.”? Well, I’ve come to realise that you never know how much something affects you till it’s resolved either. If you haven’t caught the drift from the previous posts then please. Leave. You’re not welcome.

I kid. But yeah, in the past year, I’ve lost my sense of wonder with the world, that simple fairytale likeness in which I saw the world somehow faded into oblivion without me knowing. I laughed less, I prayed almost never; everything seemingly revolved around getting another glimpse of colour, so to speak. It is only now, when this matter’s been resolved, that it dawns on me how invested, how much of my mind it occupied. I know it’s cliché but it’s really as if this big (like, BIG big) rock has been lifted off my chest. I can, at last, breathe again.


Keeping in mind that this will only be seen by close friends and future nemo, this is a plea to check yourself. Has something been bothering you or occupying too much memory space on your mental hard drive? I’ve learnt that, like anything with a shelf life, our thoughts – pre-conceived judgements, innermost desires, even the most careful of considerations – when left alone, will eventually come to fester and rot. What we’re left with is a toxic desert of a mind. 

Maybe I’m exaggerating. You get the point. Check yourself.  

Purge those pointless ramblings. 

Or put in a blog. 

Gasp.

Now you know. 

Secrets are mean to be kept. (or I'll find you. and HUG you)

I’m out.

luminescence

It seems that I was terribly mistaken. Recent events have led to a paradigm shift in perspective for me. Do you get that? It’s like when some new information sheds light unto your current dilemma; and what seemed like an impasse before becomes nothing but a stumbling block to your renewed vigour… I feel as if Moses had parted the proverbial Red Sea in my quest for vibrancy in within this greyscale life.

For what is colour without light? One is a mere consequence while the other’s the ultimate source. And I, by a series of miraculous, God-inspired events, have seen the metaphorical “light”.

26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
-Matthew 6:26-27

God is the light in my life and it is He who’s the source of ultimate satisfaction. All earthly pleasures are naught but flawed fractels of a joy that can only be found in Him. This is something I have yet to internalise. Because the heart is deceitful, embracing this ultimate truth comes with the heart-wrenching pain at the loss of many “could-have-beens”. It is my prayer that He’ll continue to draw me closer to Him.

Despite this, I’m truly excited, as before, to see His revealed plans for me. My hope is that I will seek Him unceasingly through life’s worries.


God is sovereign. Never forget that, future daniel.

colour blind

My mind is a blank. There is nothing going through. Or rather, all information seems to be seeping through. There exists a void waiting to be filled with purpose again. Or is there? Most of the time, I have no clue. One thing is for sure.

It wasn’t always like this. There are times when certain stimuli - a familiar face, or a nostalgic song – evokes times reminiscent of the somewhat carefree joy of what seemed to be another life. Was it carefree really? Or is this just another attempt by this already vulnerable mind to hide the ugly? No idea. Nevertheless, these serendipitous moments are just about what lifts my spirits these days.

“At least I’ve seen the world in colour before…”, I convince myself. Amidst the mindless monochrome drone of menial tasks that occupy everyday life, the thought of the existence of proverbial “better days” bring a faint smile to my otherwise grim profile. True, at least I wasn’t born blind. But somehow this deceitful heart perpetually desires more, to satisfy the all-devouring void inside me.

I look to empty wells to quench my parched tongue; in a desperate attempt to claw my way out this wasteland of a mental landscape. Anything to numb the hunger, the lust for fulfilment. Games, approval from those around me, sleep, pandering to others – these are but a fraction of my spiral down into depravity. Then, wonder struck.

Vibrant hues of any colour imaginable flushed into view. First peripheral, then the entire scene before me exploded. It was as if Technicolour was first invented. Overjoyed. Relieved. Overwhelmed. Then, as quickly as it came, the colour all leached away. She left.

The next months were spent in a frantic effort to relive the colour. Meetups ended with me gasping for air as my chest tightened as the greyscale nightmare creeped back, bringing with it that ever-ravenous void.

Was I satisfied with the brief reprieve that she gave me? How could I not be? But I knew that the way things were going, it would be soon before my world would stay grey forever. The heart is capricious, waxing and waning but always desiring more.

I am at a loss.