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homecoming

Sometimes it boggles my mind how at odds this poor body is. How can these eyes peruse the very words of God and turn to feast on internet filth? How can this heart meditate and store up holy truths and yet become the very fountain of evil? How can these hands serve the King of kings and continue to be the very instruments by which this flesh carries out its lustful machinations? Truly wretched are you, sinful creature.

Where is my help?

To whom shall I turn?

Who will save me from this body of death?

I tremble to think of what His eyes would have looked like, what His heart would have said, what His nail-pierced hands would have felt like, when I come to Him with nothing but a tired, broken body. I yearn to be Home, but only in Your perfect time.

Would You help me God?

There was once, a night when I was so affected by by sin and guilt, I decided to pen down a prayer to God. I remember reading through the Beatitudes preached by Jesus in His Sermon on the Mount and deciding to pray according to this glorious kingdom manifesto that Christ Himself declared. I still struggle with the passions of the flesh, and sometimes it really seems like I haven't made any progress. I get really discouraged. 

Yet this is so only out of my stubborn will. There are aspects of my life that I still choose not to surrender to Him. It's so hard for this fleshly me to trust His goodness and love, even after clearly being convicted of my own sin and desperate need for my Saviour. I have yet to arrive, yet I long to be there. I have yet to be refined, but yearn for perfection. I am not yet Home, but I miss Home so much!

Indeed it is just as the hymn goes...

I ask to grow in faith and love and every grace, expecting it to be His love that compels me, takes over me, rules me. But it shall not be. He reveals my ugly heart to me, He causes a healthy distrust in my own hands, He batters me. It is all for my own good. It is how He answers such a daring prayer. What a perfectly wise Master. May I never leave Him in my foolishness. 

How marvelously paradoxical - it is only when I am bound by His perfect law, that I am truly free!

Here is the prayer:

Matthew 5

3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Make me aware of my spiritual poverty, that I may have eyes to see my wretchedness and utter sinfulness before you. By the Spirit’s power, let me live as a citizen of the kingdom of heaven.

4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Compel me to mourn for my rebellious flesh daily, let it be out of a choice to find my joy only in You. Please don’t let my heart turn cold and indifferent to my sin, but let me mourn and hurt at the abuse of grace that I have done. Only then let comfort be mine.

5 “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

Help me put pride to death Lord, I don’t know why I so desperately cling on to any sort of leverage I have to say that I am better than others. I know I am not because of my sinfulness. Help me see that whatever good that comes from me is by Your power, for your power is made strong in my weakness. It’s so hard Lord, but make this an everyday thing. Let me inherit the earth, not to see it as a wrestling ground for my own glory, but that You graciously give me all things.

6 “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

Stir my heart to really hunger for righteousness every day. I cannot lose the desire to please You my Lord, else I fail. Teach me to give thanks for the grace that You bring as I obey and love Your law. Write it in my heart anew each day.

7 “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.

Thank You for Your grace and patience to me Lord. I should be condemned, but You save me. Where else can I go? This fight is so difficult, I am so tired. Show me that it is by Your mercy that I live, then teach me to be merciful, to show Your goodness and work in me.

8 “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

My conscience rebukes me, I am not pure and in need of sanctification. Make me purer each day, that my vision of You may not be smeared by sin. I want to fellowship with Jesus.

9 “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.

By Your blood You have made peace between me and the Father, that His wrath is no longer upon me. Yet why do I still stir up strife within my own heart? I do not love the peace of mind that obeying You brings, but love the passions of the flesh. How then can I ever be a peacemaker with people? Help me have peace with You as I repent and obey You. I long to be called a son of God.

10 “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11 “Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. 12 Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

As the many who have faithfully served You, those present within the cloud of witnesses, I have decided to serve and follow You. Rid me of this terrible sin, that I may have a clear mind to serve You faithfully. I have not even scratched the surface of obedience. I want to rejoice and be glad, as I die to myself every day. Would You help me God?