my confession

Update (05032018): I decided to just come out and say it. Matilda is "masturbation" and Penelope refers to "pornography".

I think there’s something you should know. I’m involved in a secret relationship with Matilda. Well, it’s not a secret anymore, but I’ll get to that later. This has been going on for 6 years, to say the least. For the past 5 years I’ve always held on to the belief that if all else failed in life, she’d be there for me. I call these years the “glory years”. And for these years, it has indeed been the case. At least, in my limited perspective. At least, until the all-exposing light of truth shone on this heinous sin of mine.

You know I really thought everything was fine. Truthfully though, there were clues that pointed to the destructive nature of Matilda. Back in the “glory years”, I would hear of people talking, even warning that such relationships were to be avoided at all costs. I never heeded their advice. Plus, these words were never directed at me. (Probably because they never knew you were so steeped in toxicity, idiot.) So, I went on with it, never realising that our relationship was the exact opposite of what I claimed to be – Christian. A follower of Christ. I even sang “I have decided to follow Jesus” with the jitters. Yet everyday (well, almost everyday.) I’d come back and partake of the very relationship that defiled me.

I should’ve seen the signs. Man, I really should’ve known. It wasn’t long into this unholy union that Matilda brought her friend, Penelope, into our relationship. That was when things took a deadly turn for the worse. Penelope was a monster. Yet she seemed to understand my every want. Even my weird quirks. So, I gave in. Each and every time she beckoned, I came bounding over. I was hooked. Warnings against people like Penelope were much more serious. The line was clear, so was the exhortation. Cut her off. Period. But I couldn’t. I was hooked, addicted to the very sin that threatened to damn me. Yet I still wanted very much to remain in this Christian community I enjoyed. So, I maintained a façade, pretended I was fine, falsified my sincerity. Anything to maintain a semblance of sanity.

Turning points don’t come at the snap of a finger. You remember them as turning points because these happenings were the dominoes that started the cascade, the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back. Truth is, the dominoes had to be set before that one could topple them all. The camel had to have already been weakened for a stalk to break it.

My domino came in the form of a YouTube video. Leading up to this moment, all the domino prep work had already been done beforehand. Short but powerful warnings in small groups, sermons, and the like. Still, no one approached me with this. Up till today, I’m inclined to believe that if anyone questioned me about these secret relationships, I’d probably would’ve caved and confessed. (How can you expect elders to rebuke you if they know nothing about your sin? Fool.)

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, my domino. Yea it was this YouTube video that gave a similar warning, but it wasn’t really the main topic of the video. Funny how when the heart’s interest is piqued, we tend to listen more attentively… It took a deal of struggling with myself but that was when I sent the texts to my mentors in church:

Then began a series of confessions and accountability meetups. It felt glad to be finally rid of the burden of keep Matilda and Penelope under wraps. Oh the relief I felt to finally have it dawn upon me that they were beyond toxic!

We read the Word together. They got me to read a book on this particular topic. I didn’t want anything to do with the 2 of them anymore; let’s just say, whatever we were engaging in, it wasn’t just dishonouring to God, but it defiled me. I didn’t want to continue this anymore. Convicted as I was, I took on all ways and means to cut them off. I shan’t get into details, but the “cutting off” process definitely hurt. Sometimes it would even draw questions from my friends (who might’ve noticed some things were different).

And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.

Yet till this day, I’m not completely free from their clutches. First, I would be reminded of their sweet lies and tempted to reach out to them. Just this once. Then Matilda usually comes first. Closely followed by Penelope.

Ever since those texts, I have been in a constant battle against the passions of the flesh that wage war against my soul. Temptation, Sin, Guilt, Repentance, rinse and repeat. I'm reluctant to say this, but I'm still stuck with the two of them. Can I even call it true repentance if that seems to be the pattern?

Regardless, the reason I stand up yet again is this: I cannot deny God. He is as real to me as the concrete upon which I’m sitting now. Even after being deceived by their temptings, I am compelled to confess my sin and begin this uphill battle to repent.

Thanks be to God for the conviction carved out on my heart. Thanks be to God for the revelation of my sin. Yet I’m not satisfied with these. It isn’t enough that I see the ugly sin within me. It isn’t enough that I fully believe in God’s reality. I must win this war. My relationship with my loving Creator is at stake. Eternal life, full of joy is at stake.

With every fall, I cry out to my Redeemer. Please no more guilt and shame! For my Redeemer lives. He died and rose that I may escape my hell-bound race. Pull me up on my feet again so I may fight to flee.

Create in me a clean heart O God. A heart that so delights in You that nothing in the world will steal me away.

life's too big for me

There are times when the temptation to give up and run is strong. I just had a moment like that in the shower.

I recently understood the difference between preaching the gospel to strangers or students during street evangelism; and doing likewise to people whom I love and care for. I’ve been so used to rejection by students who “just listen only” or simply make fun of the faith, it doesn’t really bother me much. Yet recent attempts to speak to loved ones about Christ have taken a toll on my weak heart (somewhat).

It hurts.

It hurts when I see my beloved friends and family treat the very gospel that CHANGES LIVES as a passing remark. It hurts when they confess that they just can’t believe. It hurts when I don’t see a real attempt to engage in fellowship with my God. And when hurt and disappointment set in, the whispers of “give up…” become screams of relent.

Typing this down, I realise how much of a hypocrite I am. There have been periods, lots of them, when I treat my God as such. I’m unfaithful to His calling. I’m unloving to His people. I’m unrepentant in my heart.

Life is indeed too big for me Lord, help.

What refuge do I have from the storms of life? Who else do I go to but You Lord?

Change me. Mould me. Refine me. Keep me. That I may hold fast to You in faith.

Please equip me for my life ahead Jesus.

If it’s to preach to family and friends Lord, give me the patience.

If it’s to evangelise to strangers, stir my heart to love them more.

If it’s to encourage fellow saints, bolster my words with Your Spirit.

If it’s to rebuke a wayward friend, strengthen and embolden me.

Keep me from stumbling. 

Yet let all things be within Your will.

Tragedy

Tragedy was when I broke my birthday present
or dropped my favourite mug.

Tragedy was when I turned a means for me to train my mind
to a mad race for the numbers 6, 90 and 5.0.

Tragedy was when I interpreted the means of His provision
as a never-ending ladder of my own glory.

Tragedy was when I trampled upon friendship 
and used them as means to kill my boredom.

Tragedy was when I took family 
to be an evitable springboard into the greener side. 

Tragedy was when I abused what was meant to bring joy
as means to levitate my ego.

Tragedy was when I chose to twist the potential for abounding love
Into the greatest calamity.

Upon the greatest tragedies reigns a Greater Mystery
It is as such:

Tragedy was when He lost a Son
Tragedy was when He was crushed for my sin

In the end
Tragedy is when I refuse Him still
and numb it with fleeting fantasies.

My worth and unworthiness

If somebody took the identity of any person in the world today and condensed it to its essence, what would it contain? The stuff they managed to collect? The deeds that they accomplished? The relationships that they were a part of?

I believe that something inevitable at the core of our very being, something inseparable from our identity, is choice. The choices that we make in lives, big or small, go a long way to define us. Some might even argue that the choices of our parents led up right to our existence. But I’m not here to start that discussion.

I’ve come to realise the choices that we make in life, whether it’d be major decisions like choosing what to study in university and marriage, or the most seemingly insignificant ones like what to wear this morning or what colour pen I use to write in; are based on what we value, the stuff that we deem “of worth”.

If I love chocolate, chances are, you’d find me munching on a bar of brown indulgence more often than not. Similarly, if I value things like money or good grades, would I not take the effort (either in study or work) to achieve these things?

The catastrophic problem comes when we blur the lines between what we value and what our value is. I’m all for striving hard for excellence in the careers or studies that God has so graciously gifted us. But when we start defining our worth with these things, we’re paving the way to an eventual disappointing demise.

The truth is, everybody makes mistakes, so when we start finding our worth in our own efforts or the expectations of others, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment. We’ll find that the people or things that we so dearly hold on to fail us. If my worth is in my relationship with my girlfriend, what happens when we break up? If my worth is in number of likes I get on Instagram, what if one day I don’t get those likes? If my worth is the number of A’s on my report book, what if I fail?

I can tell you what I’ll feel. I’ll feel like trash. Worthless.

Writing this down, it seems ridiculous, but God has gifted me with the ability to joke. To lighten up a tense atmosphere. To cheer people up. But I have a messed-up way of taking a gift from God and glorifying myself with it. As such I find my worth in my ability to draw laughter from others. It may sound ridiculous to you, but the truth is, I define my worth in how others view me (doesn’t seem very different from the Instagram addict now does it?) and in my dictionary, the more laughs I get, the greater my value. And when somebody funnier comes along, when someone simply has a different sense of humour than me, I feel crappy when whatever I say doesn’t elicit that coveted “hahaha”.

In my quest for the right thing to put my worth in, I ask myself this.

What matters the most in this universe?

I formulated a question to help my search.

If ________ wasn’t present, the universe would not go on.

Go on. Try to fill in that blank. The only conclusion I’ve come to, the only answer to that blank that begins to make sense is “God”. People with big brains (think: philosophers) like to say that God is the only necessary being in the universe. This simply means that without this Almighty God who created the universe and sustains it, the universe would not go on.

In that case, the natural conclusion is that we should put our worth in God’s expectations of us right? Since He’s truly the only Person that matters. If that’s the case, the Bible tells us in Romans 3:10-12 that every single one of us misses the mark of God’s good expectations. I guess we’re worthless then. Since we all fail to measure up to the only standard that matters.

Here comes the truly liberating mystery at the heart of Christianity.

Because I know that God is the only being that matters, I know that whatever He says, goes. No one would be able to oppose him. Come on, He SPOKE the world into existence. This is the point where I direct you to John 3:16 which says that God, in His love, sent His Son to the world. So that we wouldn’t perish like worthless dust, but to have eternal life, to be of worth in God’s eyes. Every time I think of this I can’t help but have goosebumps.

If that isn’t enough to overwhelm you, in Philippians 2:6-8 we read of how this very Jesus humbled Himself. From an infinite God to the form of a puny created being. Not just any created being, to be born in the form of a helpless infant. Not just to live as a human, but to die in one of the most humiliating ways possible, to hang on a cross. Now if someone goes through all that for YOU, would you dare say in His face, “In Your eyes I have no worth.”?

There’s no more any need to feel that “I’m not good enough”. Neither is there any reason in getting caught up over my failures. That, is truly liberating. Only when we start to see our worth in light of God’s loving sacrifice, will we then be able to give thanks, even in the midst of breakups, failures, and rejection.

Do you realise how radical this shift in perspective this is? From now on, I don’t study hard because my grades define my worth, I give my best to study because it’s a gift from God. And I want to tell Him, to show Him that I love and appreciate this gift. I don’t put in effort to keep my friendships because they spell out my value, I do so because even my friends are a gift from my loving God. And so I spend my time to know them and love them, because they’re a gift.

The conclusion of the matter is this: Anything, other than the blood of Jesus, that we use to define our own worth is a sweet lie we tell to comfort ourselves. Not my performance. Not self-praise. Not even the “good Christian” things I do. My only worth is my faith that the God of the universe died for worthless me. And I cling on to that. What a wonderful mystery, such is our worth and unworthiness.

My pre-click heart

Wow. Reading some of the posts that were made last year made me kinda sad. I'm reminded of the dark place my heart was in, just a year ago. Blindly struggling with self-worth, basing it on the wrong things, and letting these things disappoint.

Well, there came a point in time this year when something clicked in my heart (thus the title) and convicted me of the only reasonable benchmark to place my worth in. The result was a radically, liberating, paradigm-shift in my perspective of life. 

Maybe I'll muster the courage to write about it in the future.

As for now, it truly feels as if I'm being set on fire. Excited to bring this liberating Good News to all whom God places my way. The next post will probably be my reflections regarding self-worth. I wrote them about a week back.

Wednesday.

0830 : Reveille. Watched Ep2 of "Breaking Bad".

0900 : Made coffee.

0930 : Devotion on Acts 27. Thanked God for using His people to remind me to stop, remember and repent.

1017 : Watched random videos on YouTube homepage.

1056 :  - debase -

1114 : Downloaded a game from the Play Store. Played it.

1132 : Lunch. Porridge with luncheon meat.

1149 : Browsed YouTube homepage.

1158 :  - defile -

1209 : Back to YouTube.

1254 : Watched Ep2 of "Fight for my way".

1417 : "Breaking Bad" episodes 3 & 4.

1606 : HIIT.

1630 : Shower.

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And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.'  

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a new day

He came to my desk with a quivering lip,
the lesson was done.
“Have you a new sheet for me, dear teacher?
I’ve spoiled this one.”
I took his sheet, all soiled and blotted
and gave him a new one all unspotted.
And into his tired heart I cried,
“Do better now, my child.”


I came to the throne with a trembling heart;
the day was done.
“Have you a new day for me, dear Master?
I’ve spoiled this one.”
He took my day, all soiled and blotted
and gave me a new one all unspotted.
And into my tired heart he cried,
“Do better now, my child.”

Author anonymous, “A New Leaf,” James G. Lawson, compiler, The Best Loved Religious Poems (Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 1961).